My Big Bang Into Limbo

A photographic rendering of the Big Bang taken from knowledgeoman.com

Watching Stephen Hawking's Universe has influenced my thinking on last week's turn of events. I experienced my own Big Bang. An explosion that caused a new beginning; with new forms of life waiting to be explored in an ever expanding universe. This may sound a tad over dramatic, but it suits my mood right now. Everything is rife with symbolism and I wonder whether it has a lot to do with being in a state of crisis. When drowning, we desperately try to cling to some meaning that will help keep our heads above the water--yes, I'm talking about survival mechanisms. I'm not ready to drown yet, or ever. To use the most quoted expression of the past year, "Never waste a good crisis". I plan not to.

I cannot begin to describe the spiked sensations running through my body with this sudden change in my life. One day I had a job; all was calm and well--as predictable as any mundane office job would have it. The next day, it was all gone in a matter of minutes--as unpredictable as layoffs or "terminations of employment" usually are. From predictability at 10:00 a.m. last Friday, to a sudden slap of unpredictability by 10:12 a.m. on the same day. Those 12 minutes represent a strange alternate universe where I was violently yanked off my trajectory, then safely returned, but without my compass. Where do I go now? Where is forward from backward, left from right? Did I even exist up to that point?

I sure as hell know that I exist now, in this very moment. I know that today is Monday, but for the first time in years, it no longer signifies having to be lodged between a chair and a desk in some dingy fluorescent lit cube. At my current state, it certainly helps to demonize the office space as a form of self-redemption. Though I hate to admit that waging war against it doesn't immediately make things better. Jobs are jobs.

I am slowly recovering from the shock as I step into this new and exciting space, albeit a space in limbo. But most importantly, I'm feeling blessed to have the support system that embraced me and kept me afloat in the last two days. Love keeps you moving forward. It's true. The last few days are testament to this. Limbo or no limbo, love is what grounds me.