Never Waste A Good Crisis

For all the drama of the past couple weeks, I think I got my mojo back. My inks have come alive, my pencils ground to their nubs, and my drafting table at just about the right tilt for optimal effect. I was at my wits end and close to giving up a couple times. As much as I try to keep real life from getting in the way of my creative output, it was obvious that my personal financial crisis was affecting my motivation. Worrying about things like rent and the burden of other expenses can be incredibly distracting. I was also driving myself mad because I wasn't satisfied with the new direction I was taking with my work.

But as it turns out, out of hopelessness can come new discoveries. I just didn't expect it to take this bloody long! I realize now that my efforts from day one were never futile - the progress was just ever so subtle and sometimes misleading. Some of the drawings were just plain awful, and didn't speak to me at all. And because it's in my nature to constantly doubt myself (a blessing and a curse), the lack of a tangible leap in my work's development rendered my efforts hopeless.

But now I see that my drawings are starting to take an identity that I can recognize as pieces of my own. I recognize myself in them now. In the beginning, the experimentation felt like I was pushing myself further from myself (does that make any sense?). I knew I needed to test myself and push in the direction or road less traveled, so to speak. It breaks you before it makes you. But my impatience got the better of me - not to mention state and federal taxes (groan).

My new series, however, is still very fragile in nature. And this fragility is fascinating to me. Much could change still - in fact, I know this to be true. But what I'm seeing (and feeling) is a confidence that wasn't there before. Turns out a crisis is what I needed to wake me up.